It's Almost Tisha b'Av: Why Can't I cry?

Episode 2 

It’s Almost Tisha b’Av: Why can’t I cry?

It will soon be Tisha b’Av, and many of us suffer from a silent, but heartbreaking problem- we can’t cry on this day of tears. As much as we want, and as much as we try, we are simply unable to cry for something as devastating and life-transforming as the churban. Why?

Are we that cold and insensitive, that impervious to Jewish suffering?

We listen intently to Eicha, say the Kinos, and focus intently on the profound and blood-curdling descriptions of Jewish suffering throughout the millennia in graphic detail. And while we may get choked up a bit and shed a tear here and there, we find it very difficult to cry for the churban and loss of the Shechina itself.

When we hear that the Chasam Sofer drank from his copious tears shed for the churban at his seudas mafsekes, we are as astounded as we are envious, what we wouldn’t give to have our own cup of tears!

The truth is, the answer is quite simple. We cry when we feel pain. We don’t cry when we don’t feel pain. So, despite understanding so much about the churban, its causes, and its consequences, many of us just don’t feel the pain.

And yet, we can’t be blamed for not trying. We go to great lengths to make the kinos as informative, meaningful, and emotional as possible. At times, what is shared is nothing less than jolting! Dynamic speakers and maggidim shiurim span the globe. And thanks to technology, there is a plethora of content covering the blood-stained history of the Jewish People and the root causes of the churban that would take weeks to consume!

But when all is said and done, where is the cup of tears? And even for those fortunate among us who can cry, what is it that brings forth those tears? For most, it is an emotional reaction to the graphic depiction of the unspeakable physical and emotional pain engendered by the churban, not for the loss of the schechina itself.

We must ask ourselves another painful question. Are we to be blamed for this predicament? While on one level, the answer is certainly a resounding yes. As Chazal tell us the every generation in which the Beis HaMikdash is not rebuilt, it is as if that generation destroyed it, on the other hand, Hashem certainly understands our situation, that we haven’t the faintest idea of what we are missing, not to mention haven’t a clue as to how to climb out of it.  So what does Hashem expect from us? What does He want?

The crux of the problem and thus the key to the solution is what I mentioned before. We only cry when we feel pain. And since the Beis HaMikdash and the Churban are beyond our experience, it makes perfect sense that we can’t cry.

What do I mean?

Let us begin with a more precise understanding of what the Beis HaMikdash is at its core, and then we can build from there.

The Ramban explains in his Introduction to Parshas Terumah that the Mishkan, the forerunner of the Beis HaMikdash, was designed to be to continuation of the experience of Hashem’s revelation at Har Sinai when He gave us the Torah. The mere presence of Hashem and His immeasurable Kavod was palpable for anyone fortunate enough to be there. Hashem wanted his presence to be permanent in the life of every Jew. V’Shachanti b’socham.

But there is another dimension as well, as R Shimshon Pinkus, zt’l explains. The pesukin in Parshas Yisro that immediately preceded Matan Torah.

• V’hayisem lee segulah m’kol ha’amim- And you are a treasure for me amongst all of the nations
• V’atem t’hiyu lee mamleches kohanim v’goy kadosh- And you will be for me a Kingdom of Priests, a Holy Nation

These pesukim reveal yet another dimension of the gilui haschina- that Hashem loves us and wants to forge an intimate relationship with us, the Jewish People. Relationship- this is the key!

As we said, Ma'amad Har Sinai was that event that began the endless intimacy between The Creator and His People. The Mishkan and subsequently the Beis HaMikdash were the vehicles to facilitate that intimate relationship as the crux of every Jew’s life.

So, the tragedy of the Churban goes much deeper than our unspeakable suffering. It is the severe downgrade and often loss of the relationship itself. Nothing could be more tragic than that!

But again, if we have never experienced that closeness, how can we mourn, or ever hope to retrieve it?

I would like to suggest the following. You won’t cry immediately, but perhaps you will begin to travel down a path where the tears will eventually flow.

Being that we can’t cry when we’re not in pain, we need to focus on experiencing the pain of the churban. How is that? Well, if churban at its core is the loss of the intimate relationship with Hashem, we need to find a way to experience that relationship, and then experience its loss.

While we don’t know what it is like to experience the schina, there have been moments in all of our lives where we have felt Hashem’s presence, even if for but a moment. Whether it was saying a chidush, experiencing the intensity of hasmoda, plumbing the depths of a Torah thought, feeling the connection during Shmoneh Esreh, being absorbed in a Shabbos Niggun, exerting superhuman strength to withstand a nisayon, feeling the amazing hashgacha in our life, the total involvement in a mitzva, or giving selflessly to another, even ever so briefly, we did feel Hashem’s presence.

The key is that these were experiences, not cognitive constructs. However limited, the closeness was experiential. With this foundation, you can begin to build. You need to meditate on one or more of these experiences, to focus on Hashem’s closeness at that moment, and see if you let the experience sink roots into your heart. See if, when you meditate and marinate in that feeling, it begins to expand. 

The feeling will be wonderful. And the more you can do it, the more you will desire to do it. Eventually, you may be sad when you need to leave it to do other things. Focus on that sadness. The sadness is the key, because it is borne of disconnecting from the connection to Hashem. Realize that the sadness is a doorway to those tears. 

The Beis HaMikdash was the experience of Hashem’s presence. Until Hashem has rachmanus upon us and rebuilds it for us, we need an alternate route to feel His presence, and how life just isn’t the same without it. The key is that our connection to the churban must migrate from the cognitive and even from the emotional into the realm of experience. This is the secret to unlocking those tears.